Game of Thrones: s4ep1 Two Swords: Scene by Scene Recap (They Think You're Clever Enough To Catch All This Stuff. I Don't)

Ice and fire, get it?

That was ‘Ice’. Ned Stark’s Great Sword that Tywin Lannister (the dwarf’s dad) was re-forging into two new swords of Valyrian steel. Valyrian Steel is a special, rare and valuable type of magical steel that nobody in the world makes anymore. Even though the Lannisters are the richest people you can imagine, they have never had a Valyrian sword in their family. Tywin has always wanted one. Now they have two. (the song playing was “The Rains of Castemere”, which is the Lannister song. Everyone but lannisters hates it)
Tywin wants Jamie to go Casterly Rock and become the Lord of it because he hates all of his other kids. Jamie took a vow (against his father’s wishes) when he was very young to join the Kingsguard (foregoing all lands, wives, children, etc) meaning he is not allowed to inherit Casterly Rock (the seat of house Lannister… a big castle). Tywin says that King Joffrey will relieve Jamie of his vows with honor, but Jamie refuses because he’s grown a conscience.
Tyrion, Bronn and Pod are waiting for Prince Doran Martell of Dorne (the Southmost kingdom in Westeros.) Dorne is where Tyrion sent Princess Myrcella Baratheon (Queen Cersei’s daughter). Prince Doran is ill and cannot come to King Joffrey's wedding, so he sent his brother Oberyn Martell.
Oberyn Martell is awesome. He is called the Red Viper. He is a deadly fighter with an intimidating reputation. He hates the Lannisters because the Lannisters (The Mountain, Gregor Clegane) killed his sister and her babies during Robert’s Rebellion. He wants revenge for that. He also is always having sex, and his ‘wife’ is actually his paramour, she’s a bastard named Ellaria Sand. All the sex they always do is alluded to by this scene in the brothel.
Daenerys Is still wandering around with her dragons, freed slaves and unsullied. Her dragons are huge and she’s losing control of them. That’s Grey worm holding his sword up in a gambling game or something. He is the leader of the Unsullied. He’s gambling against Daario Naharis, who, last season was played by a different actor, who was tan and had long hair. He’s the guy, you must remember, who was one of the leaders of the Second Sons, and who chopped off the heads of the other leaders and gave them to Danerys as a present while she was taking a bath.
Sansa is even sadder than you are about the Red Wedding.
Shae is upset because she loves Tyrion and Tyrion keeps ignoring her. She thinks that Tyrion tried bribing her by sending Varys (The fat bald guy that pops up every once in a while) to give her diamonds and ask her to go away. Tyrion didn’t, Varys acted on his own. As Shae leaves, we see some girl has been listening in on their conversation.
That’s a hand made of gold. Jamie and Cercei have grown apart. As this scene ends that one girl from the previous scene shows up and says “Hey, I sawed somethin’
Ygritte is making more arrows to shoot into Jon Snow’s dumb body. Tormun Giantsbane starts yelling at her. Then the Thenn’s come. They’re a gross other group of people who live north of the wall. They are not Wildlings, per se, and it took Mance Rayder a lot of work to get the Thenns go join him. And they’re cannibals, or something.
Ygritte is right about Jon Snow. He knows nothing. Here he’s finding out that Robb’s been killed, I think. Then he goes off and tells some Nights Watch leaders all about how he became a wilding because Coran Halfhand told him to. Ser Allister Thorne (who gave Jon a really hard time when Jon first arrived at Castle black), and Janos Slynt (who you might remember was the head of the King’s Guard way back when Tyrion was hand of the king. And Tyrion hand dinner with him and banished him from the city, and required him to join the nights watch) They were planning on charging Jon Snow with Treason, but Jon Snow’s story was convincing enough for Maester Aemon. Who let’s Jon Go.
The Queen of Thorns doesn’t like ANY of these necklaces! Brienne of Tarth, tells them about who really killed Renley Baratheon (remember? Brienne was the one everyone thought did it? Remember Margery Tyrell was married to Renley? But renley was gay?)
Oh yeah, Joffrey is a piece of shit. That book is a famous book about the great deeds of the kingsguard. Jamie wishes he had more about him in there…there’s still time!
We find out that Daenerys is headed to Mereen. Mereen is the largest slaver city on slavers bay. If you’ll remember, Daario is in love with Daenerys… Then Daenerys sees that the Mereenese people have been making gross mile-marker signs out of dead slave kids. This makes her want to kill the slavemasters in Mereen even more.
REMINDER: Jamie lannister and Brienne of Tarth each have sacred vows to keep Catlyn Stark’s daughters safe.
REMINDER: During Joffreys name day (birthday) ceremony a few seasons ago there was a drunk knight called Ser Dontos. Joffrey wanted to kill him because he was drunk, but Sansa said “you should make him a fool instead.” So now a couple seasons later he’s grateful! Here’s a necklace! Look at those jewels!
The hound and Arya should have their own show. They arrive at an inn, and argue about eating. Arya notices that one of the guys at the Inn is Polliver. Polliver is the jerk under the command of Gregor Clegane (The Mountain that Rides) who killed Arya’s friend Lommy Greenhands (the blonde kid from way back when)…Then Polliver stole Arya’s sword (Needle). All that awesome weird stuff that Arya said to Polliver right before she jacked him in the neck was all the same weird stuff that HE said to Lommy Greenhands right before he jacked Lommy Greenhands in the neck.

That's the end of this episode!